


yes, we had

by orphan_account



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe, Lost Memories, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 06:24:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Amnesia, Jaehwan thought.A lie, but it worked just fine.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> completely inspired by: https://sidgenos.wordpress.com/2016/05/12/but-what-about-angsty-otp-aus/
> 
> where jaehwan makes a deal to save sanghyuk's life, but at the cost of all their memories together.

“So, this is--“

“Our shared apartment, yeah” Jaehwan said as he gently pushed the wooden door open, revealing a seemingly cosy, simple apartment. To Sanghyuk, it seemed oddly -- empty. Jaehwan turned back to him, he looked weary, and Sanghyuk’s heart fell a little. He wished he remembered something, at least. Wordlessly, Jaehwan helped to move Sanghyuk’s belongings into the house -- he was surprisingly strong, for how narrow and _fragile_ he looked.

“ _Lee Jaehwan_ ,” Sanghyuk tried, and Jaehwan looked up at him,  deep brown eyes untelling. “Just,” Sanghyuk laughed awkwardly and sheepishly rubbed the back of his aching neck, “trying to remember your name. I got it right, right?”

 _Ah_. Before Sanghyuk could notice the growing shine in Jaehwan’s eyes, he’d turned away, averting Sanghyuk’s gaze in favour of bending down to pick something out from Sanghyuk’s bag.

“Yeah. Right.”

Sanghyuk paused. “And… we’re apartment-mates. Friends. Is that right?”

“Friends,” Jaehwan repeated, his voice trembled slightly. “Yeah, good friends. I guess.”

“That’s nice.”

The house was silent as Jaehwan continued to unpack Sanghyuk’s belongings, and it was all Sanghyuk could do to stand and watch, somewhat awkwardly -- not knowing how to be of help, if he could even be of much help, in this current state. When Jaehwan had finished putting away the last of things, he stood up, a few inches shorter than Sanghyuk, hands on his hips, looking thin and tired. It must’ve been stressful, Sanghyuk thought, putting up at the hospital for a whole week just to look after Sanghyuk and -- his heart ached slightly. He didn’t know what compelled him to, but Sanghyuk reached forward and passed his hand against Jaehwan’s cheek. It didn’t last long though, as Jaehwan stilled, eyes widening like he’d just been found guilty for a serious crime, and his hand came up to grab at Sanghyuk’s wrist, grip a little too tight. _No_. It hurt, slightly --  Sanghyuk recoiled, and Jaehwan immediately looked sorry. _Okay_.

“Let’s… I’ll.. I’ll show you to our room,” Jaehwan said hastily as he disappeared into the unlit corridor. Sanghyuk followed after, slowly. A light flicked on, filtering out from a room at the end of the corridor, and Sanghyuk bit his lip as he followed into the room. He greatly regretted what he’d done earlier, instinctively -- an act of concern, but it had made Jaehwan uncomfortable.

“Here,” Jaehwan said, interrupting Sanghyuk’s thoughts, as he plopped down onto the single king-sized bed in the room, weight crinkling the perfectly smoothed, pale sheets. “This is where we sleep.”

“We share a bed?” Sanghyuk asked, and maybe he shouldn’t have, _again_ , because there was that look of odd guilt in Jaehwan’s eyes again. Sanghyuk watched as Jaehwan bit his lip; observed as his nail-bitten fingers clenched involuntarily into the clean sheets, now crumpled.

“Actually, now that you mentioned, I forgot there was a spare--“

“No, forget I asked. Never mind the trouble of getting the spare out. I’m perfectly cool with it, sharing a bed, you know?”

Jaehwan’s fingers relaxed into the sheets, and Sanghyuk sighed.

“The bed is huge,” Sanghyuk continued, “we could sleep on either side and have enough space, still.”

“Yeah.”

“So…” Sanghyuk slowly walked over and sat beside Jaehwan, who flinched away just the slightest bit, and Sanghyuk stilled, not knowing how to react at all -- he eventually broke the silence with a hesitant _“so let’s turn the lights off and get some rest? you look tired.”_ to which Jaehwan nodded _"yes, let's"_.

The room was darkened in a second with a short ‘click’, silent save for small shuffling noises as Jaehwan and Sanghyuk both made themselves comfortable underneath the heavy sheets. It’s quiet for quite a bit, and Sanghyuk would’ve imagined Jaehwan was fast asleep until he heard a soft sniffling noise, muffled.

“Jaehwan?” Sanghyuk asked softly, and there was a slight shuffle, another muffled noise.

“Yes, Sanghyuk?”

“You’re okay?”

“I am… yeah. Alright.”

“That’s. Good to hear.”

A pause.

“Jaehwan?”

“Yeah?” Jaehwan’s voice trembled slightly.

“Amnesia? Was that what the doctor said?”

Amnesia, Jaehwan thought. A lie, but it worked just fine.

“Yes, that.”

“Is it…” Sanghyuk paused, and Jaehwan noted the slight cracking in his voice as he continued. “Temporary?”

“We can’t be sure,” Jaehwan hugged his pillow closer, lip chewed so hard the skin broke. “Of course, I hope so.”

“ _I hope so too_ ,” Sanghyuk said, and his voice was small, drifting off into the distance. “I’m sorry, Jaehwan.”

He couldn't bear to tell Sanghyuk otherwise. Jaehwan’s eyes stung, his mouth trembled, and he tried hard not to cry. Jaehwan swallowed, and blinked his eyes, the cotton material beneath his cheek damp from where a tear or two had escaped.

“For what?”

“For just… I don’t know. You are hurting, aren’t you,” Sanghyuk said, and Jaehwan was silent. “I don’t know what it was, but it seems you’re hurting because my memory is failing me and… yeah. I don’t like that.”

_Don’t want to see you hurting._

Jaehwan’s fingers twisted into the sheets of his pillow, and his legs instinctively crouched up to his chest. He tried hard not to shake.

“As a friend,” Jaehwan started, “I just hope you get better soon, alright?”

“Yeah.” Sanghyuk said, and Jaehwan wondered what Sanghyuk was thinking, how confused he must be, how none of it was his fault, how everything had in fact happened because of Jaehwan, because Sanghyuk had risked his life for Jaehwan and so led Jaehwan to make that fateful deal, how Sanghyuk’s memory loss wasn't at all temporary and was in fact condemned to be a permanent wipe-out and -- “ _Goodnight, Jaehwan_.”

“Goodnight, Sanghyuk.”

The absence of a comforting, warm weight against his back. Jaehwan would have to get used to this. Sanghyuk didn’t know, and wouldn’t _ever_ know -- that it was the first time in two years since his and Jaehwan’s engagement, that they’d slept together on the same bed -- but _apart_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -i haven't written in p long uh let's see how this goes?
> 
> -comments and kudos are loved!
> 
> -or talk to me on twitter @hwanrem :>


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Jaehwan would crumble.
> 
> And Sanghyuk could do nothing.

_“Once agreed, it cannot be withdrawn. Sanghyuk will be granted the chance to live. But remember, that this is at the cost of all your memories together.”_

_“What about me?”_

_“All of your memories with Sanghyuk will remain with you,” the voice paused, “Keep every physical semblance of your memories safe, away from Sanghyuk. There must not be any attempt to remind him of your shared past on your part, Jaehwan.”_

_“Or else?”_

_“Dire consequences will ensue.”_

_“I’ll have to live with our shared memories as I watch Sanghyuk not remember anything. And I cannot do a single thing about it.”_

_“That is exactly how it is.”_

_“What if we should fall in love, again?”_

_“There will not be any possibility of that happening.”_

_“This is absolutely cruel.”_

_“It is the only option you have.”_

\--

 _A medical miracle_ , doctors had rejoiced.

It was getting better, but it was still hard. For the both of them.

For Sanghyuk, it was because Jaehwan was always _sad._

It seemed he had many things to hide, none of which he would tell Sanghyuk, either that or he’d pass with sloppy excuses -- of course, Sanghyuk dared not probe more. The last thing he’d wanted to do was to hurt Jaehwan even more.  All he could do was to feel _sorry_ , all the time -- he recalled nothing, he was helpless, Jaehwan was sad, but he could do _nothing_. Sanghyuk remembered the times he’d find Jaehwan, small body shaking with sobs as he wept silent tears so full of _grief,_ and Sanghyuk would be shaken -- he’d always try, try to provide some sort of comfort, but it seemed Jaehwan never wanted it. Jaehwan would turn away, away from Sanghyuk -- but Sanghyuk would wait, and he’d watch, heart aching oddly, as Jaehwan’s cries slowly subsided into little sniffles. And then it’d be silent, and Sanghyuk would put an arm around Jaehwan. And it’d be still until Jaehwan collected himself fully, croaked out a soft _“i’m okay.”_

But it was clearly a lie, and Sanghyuk knew.

Sometimes, his gaze would catch on the shiny piece fitted gorgeously around Jaehwan’s ring finger. Jaehwan had pretty hands, pale fingers slim and long. Sanghyuk would look to his own hands, then, and he’d be just slightly _disappointed_ that he, unlike Jaehwan, did not have such a beautiful ornament on himself. An oath of love. He always wondered, then, who possibly could be the owner of the pair to Jaehwan’s ring. He’d never asked.   _Maybe_. Maybe that was the reason. A broken love, possibly? But, Jaehwan said he was Sanghyuk’s good friend, and Sanghyuk didn’t want to hurt a good friend of his, and so he never probed for more. He still longed for the one day Jaehwan would finally feel comfortable enough to open up, though. That day never came.

For Jaehwan, it was because Sanghyuk recalled absolutely _nothing_.

But of course, it was exactly like how it was supposed to be. Bittersweet. Sanghyuk’s memories of Jaehwan were indeed erased thoroughly, but as a person he was still quite the same, and Jaehwan appreciated that. He appreciated how his heart would warm with affection each time he’d catch Sanghyuk smiling exactly like how he used to, eyes crinkling into little crescents and the corners of his lips pulled impossibly wide; he appreciated the little notes of encouragement scattered around the otherwise empty apartment (because all of their pictures had to be taken down prior to Sanghyuk’s welcome back from the hospital) -- it was exactly what Sanghyuk used to do when they still were a happily engaged couple.

 _He’d never stopped loving Sanghyuk_.

It clearly wasn’t the same on Sanghyuk’s part, Jaehwan always thought to himself, bitterly, thoughts fuzzy as he’d down can after can of cheap beer. And it wasn’t Sanghyuk’s fault either, never would be. Sanghyuk had loved Jaehwan too, _once_ , so much -- so _much_ he’d sacrificed his very life for Jaehwan on that one fateful night -- the glaring images of the horrendous hit-and-run accident still clear as crystal in Jaehwan’s mind.

It was almost too much to bear -- like a sharp knife eternally embedded in Jaehwan’s chest _\-- Twisting_ each time past memories of Sanghyuk resurfaced in Jaehwan’s head. _Twisting_ each time Jaehwan would observe Sanghyuk, _alive_ and well and unburdened by past memories. _Twisting_ each time Sanghyuk would try to offer comfort -- kind-hearted as always -- only to be pushed away by Jaehwan _simply because_ it was the only way, because Jaehwan refused to fall even deeper than he already had. _Twisting_ each time Jaehwan would catch a glimpse of that apologetic look in Sanghyuk’s eyes, because Sanghyuk had always thought that it was his _fault._ _Twisting_ each time the knowledge that Jaehwan had never stopped loving Sanghyuk, _but that he would not be loved back, not in this lifetime_ \-- came crashing down on Jaehwan’s narrow shoulders cruelly.

And Jaehwan would crumble.

And Sanghyuk could do nothing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -i'm dozing off while writing this help kEEP ME AWAKE
> 
> -i hope there aren't many mistakes i will correct them,,,, later
> 
> \- comments and kudos are loved 


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